Become an expert

To become a computer expert, you need a computer, literature, and friends.

A computer to practice on

If possible, buy an IBM PC or clone. If you can’t afford a full system, start by practicing DOS and BASIC on a one-floppy IBM PC clone with 256K of RAM and a monochrome monitor. Mail-order discount dealers sell that combination for about $200. So do many folks selling used computers. By saving your money, you can later add more RAM, a second disk drive, printer, and applications software.

To pay even less, ask your computer friends whether they want to get rid of any "used junky obsolete computers" for under $50, or ask them whether they can lend you a computer for a weekend. Swap: if they lend you an Apple for a weekend, bake them an apple pie.

Another way to save money is to join your friends for a group purchase. For example, if 9 of you each chip in $10, you can buy a $90 computer. Divide the 9 of you into 3 trios, and rotate the computer from trio to trio every day, so that you get to use the computer every third day.

Literature to read

Begin by reading The Secret Guide to Computers. Then read the manuals that came with your computer.

Find out what’s new by subscribing to computer magazines or reading them in your town’s library.

The following big stores specialize in computer & technical books, and most are willing to ship all over the world. They usually charge full price:

Opamp Bookstore (Los Angeles, 213-464-4322)

Computer Literacy Bookshops (San Jose CA, 408-592-5775)

Stacey’s Bookstore (San Francisco 415-421-4687, Palo Alto CA 415-326-0681)

Computer Book Works (New York City, 212-385-1616)

McGraw-Hill Bookstore (New York City, 212-997-1221)

Quantum Books (Cambridge MA, 617-494-5042)

Calgary Computer Books (Calgary Alberta Canada, 403-270-0952)

Since The Secret Guide to Computers is an underground book, you won’t find it in stores that are "overground". To find out which nifty bookstores, computer stores, and consultants near you carry the Secret Guide, phone me at 617-666-2666, and I’ll look up your ZIP code in my computer.

Friends to chat with

When you have a computer question, phone me at 617-666-2666. Another way to get help is to join a computer club.

"The BMUG Guide to Bulletin Boards and Beyond"

an excellent tutorial in how to use Mac communications software, 541 pages

"The BMUG Shareware Disk Catalog"

lists all the shareware you can buy from BMUG, 686 pages

Many other computer clubs have sprung up, all over the country! Ask your local computer store or high-school computer department about computer clubs in your home town; if there aren’t any, start one yourself!

If you take a computer course, get personal help by chatting with your teacher and classmates. To save money, sign up for the cheap courses given by your high school’s "adult education" evening program and your local community college.

I occasionally travel around the world and give courses inexpensively or for free. Heads of the computer industry got their training from my courses. To join us, use the coupon on the back page.

Land a computer job

To become a lawyer, you must graduate from law school and pass the Bar Exam. But to become a computer expert, there’s no particular program you must graduate from, no particular exam to pass, and no particular piece of paper that "proves" you’re an expert or even competent.

You can get a job in the computer industry even if you’ve never had any training. Your job will be sweeping the floor.

To become a top computer expert, you must study hard, day and night. Read lots of computer manuals, textbooks, guidebooks, magazines, newspapers, and newsletters. Practice using many kinds of computers, operating systems, languages, word-processing programs, spreadsheets, database systems, graphics packages, and telecommunications programs. Also explore the many educational programs for kids. Use many kinds of printers, disk drives, and modems. Study the human problems of dealing with computers. No matter how much you already know, learn more!

When I surveyed computer experts, I found that the average expert still spends two hours per day reading about computers, to fill holes in the expert’s background and learn what happened in the computer industry that day! In addition to those two hours, the expert spends many more hours practicing what was read and swapping ideas by chatting with other computerists.

As a computer expert, you can choose your own hours, but they must be numerous: if your interest in computers lasts just from 9 AM to 5 PM, you’ll never become a computer expert.

To break into the computer field, you can use six tools: college, home consulting, home programming, salesmanship, job expansion, and on-the-job training.

College

The most traditional way to get a computer job is to go to college and get a Ph.D. or M.A. in computer science. Unfortunately, that takes a lot of time.

Home consulting

The fastest way to break into the field is to keep your current job but spend your weekends and evenings helping your neighbors, friends, and colleagues learn about computers. Help them buy hardware and software. Then customize the software to meet their own personal needs. Then train them in how to use it all. Lots of folks want training in how to use DOS, Word Perfect, and other popular software.

At first, do it all for free. After you’ve become an experienced expert and developed a list of happy clients who will vouch for your brilliance, start requesting money from new clients. Start cheaply, at about $10 per hour, then gradually raise your rates over the next few years. Most computer consultants charge about $50 per hour, and some charge much more than that; but I suggest that you be gentler on your clients’ pocketbooks! By charging little, you’ll get more clients, they’ll rack up more hours with you, and you won’t need to spend lots of time and money on "advertising". For example, at $20 per hour you’ll be very popular!

Home programming

You can write computer programs at home to sell to friends and software publishers, but make sure your programs serve a real need and don’t duplicate what’s already on the market. Be creative!

Salesmanship

For a quicker career path, learn enough about microcomputers to get a job selling them in a store. As a salesperson, you’ll be helping people decide which hardware and software to buy; you’ll be acting as a consultant.

The store will probably give you permission to take hardware, software, and literature home with you, so you can study and practice new computer techniques every evening and become brilliant. If you wish, you can even moonlight by helping your customers use the software they bought and designing your own customized programs for them.

After working in the store several months, you’ll have the knowledge, experience, contacts, and reputation to establish yourself as an independent consultant. You can call your former customers and become their advisor, trainer, and programmer — or even set up your own store.

Job expansion

Another way to break into the field is to take a non-computer job and gradually enlarge its responsibilities, so that it involves computers.

For example, if you’re a typist, urge your boss to let you use a word processor. If you’re a clerk, ask permission to use spreadsheet and data-management programs to manage your work more efficiently. If you’re a math teacher, ask the principal to let you teach a computer course or help run the school’s computer club.

Keep your current job, but expand it to include new skills so you gradually become a computer expert.

On-the-job training

The final way to break into the field is to get a job in a computer company, as a janitor or clerk, and gradually move up by using the company’s policy of free training for employees.

Phone me

Many companies phone me when they’re looking for computer experts. If you think you’re an expert and can demonstrate your expertise, I’ll be glad to pass your name along to employers.

Occasionally, I even have job openings here at The Secret Guide to Computers. Feel free to ask. Although some of the jobs here are mundane, a nice fringe benefit is that you get to play with my 40 computers and oodles of software packages and take them home with you. You can also choose your own hours: work whenever you please! After you work here a few months and do your job well, I’ll gladly give you an excellent reference that will help you get an even nicer job elsewhere.

Set your rates

If somebody’s interested in hiring you to be a programmer or consultant, you must decide what rate to charge.

If this is your first such job, be humble and charge very little because your first job’s main goal should not be money. Instead, your goal should be to gain experience, enhance your reputation, and find somebody you can use as a reference and who’ll give you a good recommendation. Convince your first employer that you’re the best bargain he ever got, so that he’ll be wildly enthusiastic about you and give you a totally glowing recommendation when you go seek your second job.

If you can’t find anyone willing to pay you, work for free, just so that you can put on your résumé that you "helped computerize a company". After such an experience, you should easily find a second job that pays better.

Although your first computer job might pay little or nothing at all, it gets your foot in the computer industry’s door. After your first job, your salary will rise rapidly because the most valuable attribute you can have in this field is experience.

Since experienced experts are in short supply, they get astronomical salaries. On the other hand, there’s a surplus of "kids fresh out of college" who know nothing. So consider your first job to be an extremely valuable way to gain experience, even if the initial salary is low. When applying for your first job, remember that you’re still unproven, and be thankful that your first employer is willing to take a risk on you.

Asking for a raise

After several months on the job, when you’ve thoroughly proved that you’re worth much more than you’re being paid, and your employer is thoroughly thrilled with your performance, gently ask your employer for a slight raise. If he declines, continue working at that job, but also keep your eyes open for a better alternative.

Negotiating a contract

The fundamental rule of contract negotiation is: never make a large commitment.

For example, suppose somebody offers to pay you $10,000 if you write a fancy program. Don’t accept the offer; the commitment is too large. Instead, request $1,000 for writing a stripped-down version of the program.

After writing the stripped-down version, wait and see whether you get the $1,000; if you get it without any hassles, then agree to make the version slightly fancier, for a few thousand dollars more. That way, if you have an argument with your employer (which is common), you’ve lost only $1,000 of effort instead of $10,000.

Contract headaches

To minimize those six kinds of conflicts, be honest and kind to your employer. Explain to him that you’re worried about those six kinds of conflicts, and that you’d like to chat about them now, before either you or he makes any commitments. Then make a small commitment for a small payment for a short time, and make sure that both you and the employer are happy with the way that small commitment worked out before attempting any larger commitments.

Develop your career

Here are further tricks for developing your career.

Programmer

Some computers understand BASIC. Other computers understand a different vocabulary, called COBOL. For example, COBOL uses the words DISPLAY and WRITE instead of PRINT.

Before programming a computer, you must find out which language the computer understands. Does it understand BASIC? Or does it understand COBOL instead? Or does it understand a yet different language? The most popular languages are BASIC, COBOL, FORTRAN, and PASCAL; but there are also thousands of others. Your computer understands at least one of those languages; if you’re lucky, your computer understands several of those languages.

When you apply for a programming job, the first question to ask the interviewer is: which languages does the company’s computer understand? Or better yet, ask, "Which language do you want me to program in?" The interviewer will say "BASIC" or "COBOL" or some similar answer and then ask you, "Do you know that language?"

Most microcomputers use BASIC, DBASE, or C. Most minicomputers use BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL, or C. Most maxicomputers use FORTRAN or COBOL. For all three sizes, PASCAL is another alternative.

Of those popular languages, BASIC is the easiest and the most fun. To become a programmer, begin by studying BASIC, then move on to the other languages, which are yukkier.

Since BASIC’s so easy, saying you know BASIC is less prestigious than saying you know languages such as C. To get lots of prestige, learn many languages. To convince the interviewer you’re brilliant, say that you know many languages well even if the job you’re applying for needs just one language.

The most prestigious languages to know are assembly and machine languages, because they’re the hardest. If you can convince the interviewer that you know assembly and machine languages, the interviewer will assume you’re God and offer you a very high salary, even if the job doesn’t require a knowledge of those languages.

If you’re hired to be a "programmer", your first assignment will probably be as a coder. After you gain experience, you’ll be promoted to a systems analyst.

So system programs are tools, which help programmers write application programs. When you buy a computer, buy some system programs so you can create applications programs easily.

Creating a system program is very difficult; so a systems programmer usually gets paid more than an applications programmer.

The word "systems" is prestigious: it’s used in the phrase "systems analyst" and in "systems programmer". In some companies, if your boss wants to praise you, the boss will put the word "systems" in front of your title even if your job has nothing to do with "systems".

If you take a computer course, the books and lectures are much less valuable than the experience of using the school’s computer. Spend lots of time in the computer center. Think of the course as just an excuse to get permission to use the school’s computer. The quality of the lecture is less important than the quality of the school’s computer center. The ideal computer center:

has a computer that can understand many languages

gives you unlimited use of the computer (no "extra charges")

is open 24 hours a day

has enough terminals so you don’t have to wait for somebody else to finish

has a staff of "teaching assistants" who’ll answer your questions

has a rack full of easy-to-read manuals that explain how to use the computer

lets you borrow books and manuals, to take home with you

has several kinds of computers, so that you get a broad range of experience.

Before you enroll in a computer course, find out whether the school’s computer center has those features.

Many computer schools are unnecessarily expensive. To save money, take fewer courses, and buy more books and magazines instead. Better yet, buy a computer yourself and keep it in your home! You can buy a used IBM XT clone for under $150, or a more primitive computer (such as a Radio Shack Color Computer) for under $50. Keep the computer a few months, practice writing BASIC programs on it and using some applications, then sell it to a friend for $30 less than you paid — so that using it cost you just $30 and gave you several months of education. That’s a much better investment of your money than spending many hundreds of dollars on a computer course.

Another cheap way to get an education is to phone your town’s board of education, and ask whether the town offers any adult-education courses in computers. Some towns offer adult-education computer courses for under $100.

For an even better deal, phone your town’s board of education — or high school — and ask whether you can sit in the back of a high-school computer class. If you’re an adult resident of the town, you might be able to sit in the back of the class for free. Your only "expense" will be the embarrassment of sitting in the same room as youngsters. After a day or two of feeling strange, you’ll get used to it, and you’ll get an excellent free education.

Community colleges offer low-cost courses that are decent. Explore the community colleges before sinking money into more expensive institutions that are over-priced.

"Computer science" emphasizes the underlying theory, systems programming, assembly language, PASCAL, FORTRAN, C, and applications to science. "Management information systems" emphasizes BASIC, COBOL, DBASE, and applications to business.

A major in "mathematics" that emphasizes computers is also acceptable.

On the other hand, discrimination does exist against older people. If you’re over 40 and trying to get a job as an entry-level programmer, you’ll have a tough time since the stereotypical programmer is "young, bright, and a fast thinker". If you’re old, they’ll assume you’re "slow and sluggish".

Because of that unfair discrimination, if you’re old you should probably try entering the computer industry through a different door: as a consultant, or a computer salesperson, or a computer-center manager, or a computer teacher. For those positions, your age works to your advantage, since those jobs require wisdom, and people will assume that since you’re old, you’re wise.

In other words, do not try to "hop" careers; instead, gradually shift your responsibilities so that they deal more with computers.

To get into the computer field safely, keep your current job but computerize it. For example, if you’re already a math teacher, keep teaching math but convince your school to also let you teach a computer course, or at least incorporate computers into the math curriculum or help run the school’s computer center. If you already work for a big company and your job bores you, try to transfer to a department that puts you in closer contact with the computer. After a year in such a transitional state, you can break into the computer field more easily since you can put the word "computer" somewhere on your résumé as "job experience".

If you’re a college kid, write programs that help the professors, or help others during your summer vacations. Agree to write the programs for little or no pay. Your goal is not money: your goal is to put "experienced programmer" on your résumé.

Instead, play the who-you-know game. Contact somebody who actually works with computers. Convince that person you’re brighter than your résumé indicates. Prove you’ve learned so much (from reading, courses, and practice) that you can quickly conquer any task laid before you. If you impress that person enough, you might get the job even though your paper qualifications look too brief.

When you get an interview, be assertive. Ask the interviewer more questions than the interviewer asks you. Ask the interviewer about the company’s computer, and about why the company doesn’t have a different one instead. Ask the interviewer how the other people in the company feel about the computer center. Ask the same kinds of questions a data-processing manager would ask. That way, the interviewer will assume you have the potential to become a data-processing manager, and will hire you immediately. You’ll also be showing you care enough about the company to ask questions. And you’ll be showing you have a vibrant personality, and are not just "another vegetable who came through the door".

One of the strange things about applying for a programming job is that the interviewer will not ask to see a sample of your work. The interviewer doesn’t have time to read your program. Even if the interviewer did have time to read your program, he couldn’t be sure you wrote it yourself. Instead, the interviewer will just chat with you about your accomplishments. You must "talk smart". The best way is to know all the buzzwords of the computer industry — even if they don’t really help you write programs.

BASIC GOSUB and RETURN

PASCAL PROCEDURE

FORTRAN CALL, SUBROUTINE, and RETURN

COBOL PERFORM

By moving around — by gaining a wide variety of experiences — you can eventually become a qualified, wise consultant. And you’ll feel like God.

Since your program might not become popular, do not rely on software publishing as a steady source of income. Instead, view it as a part-time activity which, if successful, will put some extra money in your pocket.

The most famous software publishers are Microsoft, Lotus, Corel, Symantec, Broderbund, and Electronic Arts. There are many others. Browse through the ads in microcomputer magazines.

Management

Programming is fun for young kids. But as you get older, you’ll tire of machines and want to deal with people instead. As you approach retirement, you’ll want to help the younger generation relate to the computers you’ve mastered.

To be a successful manager, you need three skills: you must be technically competent; you must be wise; and you must know how to handle people.

You should know how to program. Know the strengths and weaknesses of each computer company, and be able to compare their products. Develop a philosophy about what makes a "good" computer center. Understand people’s motives and channel them into constructive avenues.

Keep up to date. Read the latest books and periodicals about computers. Chat with other computer experts by phone, at conventions, and at computer clubs.

When trying to run a computer center, you can easily make mistakes. For example, many computer centers put four-foot-high partitions between their programmers, to give the programmers "privacy"; unfortunately, the partitions are counter-productive: they’re too low to block noise, and too high to permit helpful conversation with your neighbor.

When putting a computer center into a school, you must develop a cadre of hot-shot students who are bright, friendly, and outgoing, and who will help and encourage the other students to use the computer. If the hot-shots are not outgoing — if they become an elitist, snobbish club — the rest of the school will avoid the computer.

If you’ve hired "programming assistants" who help the programmers, don’t let the programming assistants hide in an office or behind a desk. The programming assistants should walk up to the programmers at the computer keyboards and offer help.

In too many organizations, terminals are locked in the offices of prestigious people and aren’t used. Let everybody share the terminals.

Too often, managers judge their own worth by the size of the computer center’s budget: the bigger the budget, the more prestigious the manager. Remember that the sign of being a good manager is not having a big budget; the sign of a good manager is the ability to meet the company’s needs on a small budget.

If you’re a "microcomputer consultant" and honest, you’ll tell your client to buy low-cost popular programs, instead of telling him to pay you to invent "customized" programs.

Sales

You can find three kinds of salesmen.

The "slick" kind knows "how to sell", but doesn’t know any technical details about the computer he’s selling. He doesn’t know how to program, and doesn’t know much about the computers sold by his competitors. All he knows is the "line" that his boss told him to give the customers. That kind of salesman usually resorts to off-color tactics, such as claiming that all computers sold by competitors are "toys".

The opposite kind of salesman is technical: he knows every detail about every computer manufactured, but can’t give you any practical advice about which computer best meets your needs.

A woman can sell computers more easily than a man. That’s because most computer customers are men, and men are more attracted to women. It’s also because, in our society, women are more "trusted" than men. But if you’re a woman, say some technical buzzwords to convince the customer that you’re technically competent. Otherwise, the customer will assume that since you’re a woman, you must be a "dumb secretary".

Be an entrepreneur

How about starting a rental service, where people can rent microcomputers? How about starting a camp, where kids can spend the summer playing with computers? How about starting a computer set-up service, where you teach businesses how to start using microcomputers? How about writing easy manuals explaining the most popular software? Each of those ideas has been tried successfully; join the fun!

Learn to spell

If you don’t spel gud, yur coleegs wil thinc yure an idiut.

Be especially careful with these words, which beginners often misspell:

computor computer "Computer" is a machine or person that computes.

"Computor" is a snobbish computer.

softwear software "Software" is the opposite of "hardware".

"Softwear" is a negligée.

imput input "Input" is what the computer takes "in".

"Imput" is said only by "im"beciles.

silicone silicon "Silicon" is what you put in an integrated circuit.

"Silicone" is what you put in your breast.

hexidecimal hexadecimal "Hexadecimal" means "six and ten", or "sixteen".

"Hexidecimal" is icky.

hobbiest hobbyist A "computer hobbyist" likes computers.

A "computer hobbiest" is even more hobbier.

Epsom Epson "Epson" provides printers.

"Epsom" provides salt.

COBAL COBOL "COBOL" means "COmmon Business-Oriented Language".

"COBAL" is a co-ed who likes sex.

TSR-80 TRS-80 "TRS-80" stands for "Tandy’s Radio Shack".

"TSR-80" is a nut who says the alphabet backwards.

TRS-232 RS-232 "RS-232" means "Recommended Standard #232".

"TRS-232" means you worship Tandy’s Radio Shack.

Dartmouth U. Dartmouth College "Dartmouth College" is where BASIC was invented.

"Dartmouth U." exists only in utopia.

For the following words, choose your favorite spelling:

Most computer experts write "disk", but some write "disc".

For "half a byte", humble programmers write "nibble", but snobbish programmers write "nybble".

Computerize your home

Back in 1970, computerists tried to predict what life would be like in 1990. Let’s look at their predictions and see which ones came true.

The predictions appeared in Martin & Norman’s The Computerized Society (published by Prentice-Hall in 1970), John Kemeny’s Man and the Computer (published by Scribner’s in 1972), and a prize-winning essay by G. Cuttle in 1969.

Work at home

Cuttle said, "It may be more economical for companies to subsidize home ‘communications rooms’ for their employees than renting expensive office space to commute to. Some establishments are already starting to provide computer terminals for the homes of senior staff. This is sensible when one considers the tendency for great ideas to materialize in the bath. Many of the better characteristics of the cottage industry may return, particularly in terms of personal freedom."

Martin & Norman said, "The first widespread use of home terminals will probably be sponsored by employers. Mothers who participate may be relieved of the boredom they feel when they are unable to leave their children."

Kemeny said, "Executives complain they rush into their offices then spend half their time talking on the phone, which they could have done as well at home. Office files will be kept in national computer networks, accessible from home. If we remove the need for millions of people to rush in and out of the city daily, we’d be well on our way to solving urban problems. Perhaps the central city will become truly an info center where the machines are located but not the humans who use them. Since cities still would have a central location, they might expand their roles as entertainment centers and places to live for those who insist on seeing a play or sports event in person rather than on TV."

Electronic shopping

Martin & Norman: "Instead of coming into a store, the consumer could scan a list of available goods and their prices at different shops on the home terminal, then use the terminal to order."

Kemeny: "For items costing over a dollar, cash transactions will totally disappear."

Appliances

Cuttle: "Anyone who has any doubts about a computer’s ability to cook breakfast has only to remember the average housewife’s state of mind at 7AM to realize that preparing breakfast is a very mechanical task indeed. Many other household tasks are equally suitable for computers to invade. At present each piece of equipment needing such a computer has its own small one built in, but the logical development is to have a bigger household computer tucked under the stairs. Circuits could be wired through the house so each individual gadget could be plugged in."

Martin & Norman: "A family driving home after a few days away will phone home and key some digits on the Touch-Tone phone to switch on the heat or air conditioner. A woman before leaving for work will preprogram her kitchen equipment to cook a meal; she’ll then phone at the appropriate time and have the meal prepared."

Government

Cuttle: "The householder could ask the computer whether any legislation in progress affects his neighborhood or interests. He could have easier access to his congressman. Conversely, he could be asked questions, and this might be a better way to keep congressmen in touch with the feelings of their constituents."

Newspapers

Kemeny: "Let’s consider a system under which The New York Times, instead of publishing hundreds of thousands of copies, would store the same info in a computer tied to a national network, from which each reader could retrieve the items he wanted, in as much detail as he desired. Sitting at home, he could dial the computer network and ask for his personalized New York Times. The computer would remember which topics he normally reads and present stories on them a frame at a time. He could ask for more details. He’d have available at any moment, day or night, completely up-to-date info. The system would make sure he doesn’t miss any news that concerns him. If The New York Times adopts this suggestion, it should change its motto to ‘All the news that you see fit to read.’"

Medicine

Cuttle: "Automatic diagnosis by computer could be a useful aid. Interrogation through a home terminal could pin-point some everyday ailments. Much treatment can be carried out at home that today might necessitate hospital treatment. It may be far cheaper and pleasanter for the patient to have monitoring equipment brought to his home and connected through the terminal to a hospital computer."

The whole family

Kemeny: "Father, if he brings his work home from the office, can use the terminal in place of a sizable office staff. Mother can do most of her shopping through a computer terminal. If by 1990 the roles of men and women have been completely reversed, the computer terminal will be equally happy to work out business problems for mother and to help father with his shopping and housework. Children will find the home terminal an immeasurable asset in doing homework; indeed the child of 1990 will find it impossible to conceive how the older generation managed to get through school without the help of a computer."

Teach your kids

Here’s how to introduce kids to computers.

Curriculum

Here’s how to develop the curriculum.

Kids should start writing simple programs in BASIC when they’re in the third grade. (The brightest kids can start even younger!) Before the third grade, the typical kid should learn how to run other people’s programs and maybe learn LOGO (a language that’s easier than BASIC for beginners).

Let all kids deal with the computer before entering high school. The intro instruction should be broad: dip into BASIC programming, hardware jargon, applications (such as word processing), and social effects.

The intro is important for all kids, regardless of math ability. Most computer programming requires hardly any math.

Include even the kids who are "slow" or "hate school", since the computer often helps them "turn on" to school. LOGO’s been particularly effective at that.

If your school lacks enough computers to start an extensive program, wheel the computers from classroom to classroom so each kid gets to spend at least a few minutes with the computer each semester. Let kids who want to go further join an after-school computer club.

The youngest kids might also want to try LOGO, which lets you draw pictures more easily than BASIC. The oldest kids might also want to try PASCAL, which is more "sophisticated" than BASIC. But BASIC’s the most "practical" language to learn, since it can handle a wider variety of applications than LOGO and PASCAL. (LOGO can’t handle random-access files well; PASCAL can’t handle output formats well.)

Another advantage of BASIC is that it comes free with some computers. LOGO and PASCAL cost extra.

The course should not be restricted to math and science. In fact, less than half the programming examples should involve math or science. Most examples should involve the arts, business, word processing, etc.

If the computer course is taught by a math teacher, the school’s principal should make sure the teacher doesn’t spend too much time talking about math.

Any course on computer programming should discuss how to program music and graphics. Besides being fun, such a discussion emphasizes that computers are not "just for numbers", and also illustrates visually the effects of programming concepts such as FOR … NEXT loops.

As the course progresses and programming examples become more complex, give the kids a breather by inserting light-hearted topics such as video games, computer graphics, word processing, business software, kinds of hardware, computer companies, effects on society, and careers.

Educational applications

The computer can help teach many topics.

Some kids "hate to write English compositions". The computer can change that attitude! If you let a kid use an easy word-processing program, the kid suddenly discovers that writing an English composition can be fun! The composition suddenly becomes "electronic"; it appears on screen! Revising the composition can be even more fun since the kid gets to use all the nifty "editing" keys on the keyboard. The whole experience becomes as much fun as a video game. A good word processor also corrects the kid’s spelling without forcing the kid to endlessly thumb through the dictionary; it even corrects the kid’s grammar and style. Watching the computer correct the spelling, grammar, and style is educational and fun.

To make the kid understand why parts of speech (such as "nouns", "verbs", and "adjectives") are important, give the kid a computer program that writes sentences by choosing random nouns, random verbs, and random adjectives. Then tell the kid to invent his own nouns, verbs, and adjectives, feed them into the program, and watch what kind of sentences the program produces now.

The professors wrote a program that asks how old you are and which birth control method you wish to use this year. You have 9 choices, such as pill, diaphragm, IUD, condom, rhythm method, and "Providence".

After you type your choice, the computer computes the probability of having children and may print (if you’re unlucky) ***BOY*** or ***GIRL***. The computation is based, as in nature, on a combination of science and chance (random numbers). Then the computer asks your strategy for the next year. The program continues until the computer finally prints ***MENOPAUSE***.

The program lets you explore how different strategies yield different numbers of children. It’s safer to experiment with the program than to experiment on your body. It’s also faster, but maybe not as fun.

At the end of the educational game, the computer shouldn’t say "excellent" or "fair" or "poor". Instead, it should just state the total number of points accumulated (in the thousands) and ask whether the student wants to try again, to increase the score.

If the student’s score is very high, the computer should reward the student by giving lots of praise and storing the student’s name on the disk. If the student’s score is low, no criticism should be given other than asking "Would you like to try again?"

Purchasing

When your school decides to buy computers, it will face these issues.

Trial-size versions are nicknamed "crippled software". Software publishers often let you copy them free, so that you and your students and friends can run "software test drives" and "software taste tests".

Management

After buying computers, the school’s administration must decide what to do with them.

But discourage kids from spending excessive time on games. Give game-players lower priority than other kids who want to use the computers. To do that, you can restrict game-playing to just a few of the computers or a few times of day, or require game-players to leave when non-game-players want to use their computers.

By charging a small fee for game-playing, you can collect enough money to buy more computers.

Most librarians know how to run audio-visual equipment and communicate with large databases and therefore don’t fear technology. Since librarians enjoy humanities (especially reading) and nevertheless are comfortable with scientific technology, librarians are the ideal choice for running a computer center that meets the needs of the whole school. And the library’s the only place in the school where all students and faculty can feel comfortable — except for the cafeteria.

Turn your school’s computer club into a "Computer Service Organization" that helps teach the rest of the school about computers. The club’s members can mention such service on their résumés, which will help them get into college.

Give a speech to all students: tell them to help each other at the computers. Encourage teamwork.

Avoid dangers

How could computers change human society? The many good ways are obvious. Here are the bad ones.

Errors

Although the computer can have a mechanical breakdown, the usual reason for computer errors is mental breakdown — on the part of the people who run it. The usual computer blooper is caused by a programmer who writes a wrong program, or a user who inputs a wrong number. If you want the computer to write a check for $10.00 but you forget to type the decimal point, the computer will nonchalantly write a check for $1000.

The biggest computer blooper ever made occurred at Cape Kennedy. A rocket rose majestically from its launch pad and headed toward Venus. Suddenly it began to wobble. It had to be destroyed after less than 5 minutes of flight. The loss was put at $18,500,000. What went wrong? After much head-scratching, the answer was finally found. In one of the lines of one of the programs, a programmer omitted a hyphen.

In one city’s computer center, every inhabitant’s vital statistics were put on cards. One lady in the town was 107, but the number 107 wouldn’t fit on the card properly, because the space allotted for AGE was only two digits. The computer just examined the last two digits, which were 07, and assumed she was 7 years old. Since she was 7 and not going to school, the computer printed a truant notice. So city officials visited the home of the 107-year-old lady and demanded to see her mom.

A man in Germany received a bill from a computer requesting the payment of "zero deutschmark". He ignored it, but two weeks later the machine sent him a letter reminding him that he had not paid the sum of "zero deutschmark". Two weeks after that another and more strongly worded letter arrived. He still took no action other than photocopying the letters and gleefully showing them to his friends. But the computer persisted and eventually announced that it was referring his failure to pay to the company lawyers. So he telephoned the company. They explained to him there was a minor oversight in the program, assured him it was being corrected, but requested him to send a check for "zero deutschmark" to simplify the reconciliation. He duly made out a check for "0.0 DM." and mailed it. Two days later the check was returned to him from the bank with a polite (nonautomated) letter stating that the bank’s computer was unable to process the check.

That last anecdote was from Martin and Norman’s The Computerized Society. This is from Time Magazine:

Rex Reed, writer and sometime actor, ordered a bed from a Manhattan department store. Three months passed. Then came the long anticipated announcement: the bed will be delivered on Friday.

Reed waited all day. No bed. Having disposed of his other bed, he slept on the floor.

Next day deliverers brought the bed but couldn’t put it up. No screws.

On Monday, men appeared with the screws. But they couldn’t put in the mattresses. No slats. "That’s not our department."

Reed hired a carpenter to build them. The department store’s slats finally arrived 15 weeks later.

Undaunted, Reed went to the store to buy sheets. Two men came up and declared: "You’re under arrest." Why? "You’re using a stolen credit card. Rex Reed is dead." Great confusion. Reed flashed all his identity cards. The detectives apologized — and then tore up his store charge card. Why? "Our computer has been told that you are dead. And we cannot change this."

On a less humorous note, a woman died from freezing because an errant computer thought she hadn’t paid her utility bill.

Unemployment

Since the computer’s a labor-saving device, it may make laborers unemployed. Clerks and other low-echelon white-collar workers might find themselves jobless and penniless.

The newspaper companies in New York City have realized they’d save money by hiring fewer printers and using computers instead. But the printers union, upset, cried "Breach of contract!" The companies and printers finally agreed to get the computers, hire no new printers, but retain the current ones until retirement.

The advent of computers doesn’t have to mean a net loss of jobs. In fact, new ones are created. Not all computer-related jobs require abstract thinking: there’s a need for mechanics, typists, secretaries, salesmen, editors, librarians, etc. There is a need for people to tell the programmers what kind of things to program. Running a computer center is a business, and there’s a need for businessmen.

When computers do human work, will there be enough work left for us humans to do? Don’t worry: when no work is necessary, humans have an amazing talent for inventing it. That’s the purpose of Madison Avenue — to create new longings. Instead of significantly shortening the work week, Americans have always opted for a work week of nearly equal length but devoted to more luxurious ends. That’s the gung-ho Protestant work ethic we’re so famous for. Computers will change but not reduce our work.

. . . That’s what will happen in the long run. But for the next decade or two, as society shifts to computers, many folks will be temporarily out of a job.

Quantification

Since the computer handles numbers easily, it encourages people to reduce problems to numbers. That’s both good and bad. It’s good because it forces people to be precise. It’s bad because some people are starting to make quantification a goal in itself, forgetting that it’s but a tool to other ends. Counting the words that Shakespeare wrote is of no value in itself: it must be put to some use. In both the humanities and the social sciences, I’m afraid the motto of the future will be, "If you can’t think, count." Some cynics have remarked, "The problem with computers is that they make meaningless research possible."

Since only quantifiable problems can be computerized, there’s a danger that, in a burst of computer enthusiasm, people will decide that unquantifiable problems aren’t worth investigating, or that unquantifiable aspects of an otherwise quantifiable problem should be ignored. John Kemeny gives this example:

I’ve heard a story about the design of a new freeway in Los Angeles. At an open hearing, a number of voters complained bitterly that the freeway would go right through the midst of a part of the city heavily populated by blacks and would destroy the community spirit they’d slowly and painfully built up. The voters’ arguments were defeated by the simple statement that, according to an excellent computer, the proposed route was the best possible.

Apparently nobody knew enough to ask how the computer had been instructed to evaluate the variety of possible routes. Was it asked just to consider the costs of building & acquiring property (in which case it would have found routing through a ghetto area highly advantageous), or was it also asked to take into account human suffering a route would cause?

Perhaps the voters would even have agreed it’s not possible to measure human suffering in terms of dollars. But if we omit consideration of human suffering, then we’re equating its cost to zero, which is certainly the worst of all procedures!

People are being reduced to numbers: telephone numbers, social security numbers, zip codes, etc. When you start treating another human as just a wrong telephone number and hang up in his face, something is wrong.

Asocial behavior

Getting along with the computer is easy — perhaps too easy. Though it can gripe at you, it can’t yell. If you don’t like its behavior, you can turn it off. You can’t do the same thing to people. Excessive time spent with the computer can leave you unprepared for the ambiguities and tensions of real life.

Irresponsibility

When John Kemeny’s sister asked a saleswoman whether a certain item was in stock, the woman said she couldn’t answer, because the information was kept by a computer. The woman hadn’t been able to answer questions about stock even before the computer came in; the computer was just a new scapegoat.

Computers will run governments and wars. The thought of someone saying, "I can’t change that — that’s the way the computer does it" is frightening.

Concentrated power

As computers amass more info about people, computers will become centers of knowledge. The people who control them — the programmers, sociologists, generals, and politicians — will gain lots of power. The thought of so much power being concentrated in the hands of a few is frightening. A handful of people, pressing the wrong buttons, could atom-bomb the earth.

Nobody should have complete control over a computer center. The power should be diversified. Sensitive data and programs should be protected by passwords and other devices, so no single individual can access all of it.

Crime

The computer’s the biggest tool in the kit of the white-collar criminal. All he has to do is insert a zero, and the computer will send him a paycheck for ten times the correct amount.

To catch such criminals, computers are programmed to do lots of double-checking; but if the criminal evades the double-checks, he won’t get caught. Police have a hard time finding computer criminals, because fingerprints and other traditional forms of evidence are irrelevant. Most computers have passwords to try to stop people from fooling around with sensitive data, but a bright programmer can devise tricks to get around the passwords. The crudest is to bug the wires that go to the terminals. The cleverest is to slip extra lines into an innocent program and get someone else to run it; the extra lines transfer money to the programmer’s account.

Since you must be smart to be a computer criminal, if you’re caught you’ll be admired. Instead of saying "What a terrible thing you’ve done!" folks say "Gee, you must be smart. Tell me how you did it." A bright button-down computer criminal who steals $100,000 electronically gets a lighter sentence than the dude who must resort to a gun to get $1000. Is that justice?

Invaded privacy

Of all the harm computers can do, "invaded privacy" worries people the most. George Orwell, in his book 1984, warned that someday "Big Brother will be watching you" via a computer. His prediction’s already a reality: your whereabouts are constantly checked by computers owned by the FBI, the IRS, the military, credit-card companies, and mail-order houses. My brother once wrote an innocent letter asking for stamps. Instead of using his own name, he used the name of our dog, Rusty. Since then, we’ve received letters from many organizations, all addressed to "Mr. Rusty". Our dog’s name sits in computers all across the country.

The information computers have stored about you may be misleading. If you never find out about the error, the consequences can haunt you the rest of your life. Examples:

A teacher saw one of the little boys in her class kiss another boy. She entered on his computerized school records, "displays homosexual tendencies".

According to computer records, a certain man had "three lawsuits against him". In fact, the first was a scare suit 30 years before, over a magazine subscription he had never ordered; the second had been withdrawn after a compromise over a disputed fee; the third case had been settled in his favor.

What’s "justifiable"? Fearing "Big Brother", people don’t want politicians to access personal information. On the other hand, fearing criminals, people want the police to have a free hand in sleuthing. How to give information to the police without giving it to politicians can be puzzling.

It’s unfortunate that people feel a need for privacy. If the info stored about you is correct, why argue? But many people feel a need to be secretive, and I suppose people have that right. It’s called the right to be "let alone".

People don’t want to feel their whole lives are on stage, recorded by a computer. It inhibits them from acting free and natural. Even if the computer doesn’t store any damaging information about you, the mere thought that your every action is being recorded is damaging, because it makes you act more conservatively. You may be afraid of adopting a good but unusual lifestyle, because anything "different" about you will look bad on the computerized records used by banks, credit-card companies, insurance companies, and other conservative institutions. The harmful thing is not that Big Brother is watching, but that you feel he’s watching. You are subjugated.

Read good books

Begin by reading The Secret Guide to Computers.

Then read the hardware and software manuals that came with your computer. Although a beginner can’t understand those manuals, you’ll understand them — after you’ve mastered The Secret Guide to Computers!

Then read some of these books:

The Winn L. Rosch Hardware Bible by Rosch (Brady, $35)

Windows 95 Secrets Gold by Livingston & Straub (IDG, $50)

Windows 3.1 Secrets by Livingston (IDG, $40)

Microsoft Internet Explorer Book by Pfaffenberger (Microsoft, $25)

Guide to Structured Programming in BASIC by Presley (Lawrenceville, $35)

The Beginner’s Guide to Visual BASIC 4 by Wright (Wrox, $35)

The C Primer by Hancock & Krieger (McGraw-Hill, $30)

The Elements of FORTRAN Style by Kreitzberg & Shneiderman (Harcourt, OP)

Structured ANS COBOL by Murach & Noll (Mike Murach, 2 volumes, $33 each)

Assembly Language for the PC by Socha & Norton (Brady/Prentice-Hall, OP)

For each topic, I’ve shown the two best books. If you read both books about the topic, you’ll become an expert.

For each book, I’ve shown the title, author, and publisher. I’ve also shown the list price (rounded to the nearest dollar) or said "OP" (which means "Out of Print"). If a book is OP, try to find it at your local library.

Share our knowledge

Thank you for reading The Secret Guide to Computers. If you have any questions about what you’ve read, phone me at (617) 666-2666, day or night.

Editions

You’ve been reading the 24^th edition. I’ve been revising the Guide for 25 years:

edition 0 1972 spring pamphlet 17 pages free typewriter HP-2000 BASIC

edition 1 1972 fall pamphlet 12 pages free typewriter DEC-10 DEC computers

edition 2 1972 fall pamphlet 20 pages free typewriter DEC-10 FORTRAN

edition 3 1972 fall pamphlet 32 pages $1 typewriter DEC-10 data files

edition 4 1973 January 2 pamphlets 63 pages $2 typewriter DEC-10 ALGOL

edition 5 1973 September booklet 73 pages $2 typewriter DEC-10 graphics

edition 6 1974 July 3 booklets 260 pages $5.20 typewriter DEC-10 artificial intelligence, numerical analysis

editions 7-9 1976-1979 6 booklets 410 pages $16.25 typewriter TRS-80 model 1 hardware, micros, COBOL, language survey

edition 10 1980-1982 8 booklets 696 pages $29.60 typewriter TRS-80 model 3 discount dealers, video graphics, PASCAL

edition 11 1983-1984 2 books 750 pages $28 TRS-80 model 3 IBM PC IBM PC, word processing

edition 12 1986-1987 3 books 909 pages $24 TRS-80 model 3 clones by Leading Edge DOS, WordPerfect, 1-2-3, DBASE, C, LOGO, 8088

edition 13 1988 Sept.-Oct. 3 books 909 pages $24 TRS-80 model 3 clones by Swan Q&A

edition 14 1990 June reference 607 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.0 clones by Gateway Mac, Excel, Quattro

edition 15 1991 September reference 607 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Gateway Windows, Ami Pro, advanced Word Perfect

edition 16 1992 May reference 607 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Micro Express DOS 5, Quattro Pro

edition 17 1993 April reference 607 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Vtech Mac System 7, Microsoft Word, Excel 4, repairs

edition 18 1993 August reference 607 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Vtech DOS 6

edition 19 1994 August reference 639 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Vtech Pentium, multimedia computers, DOS 6.2

edition 20 1995 March reference 639 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Quantex Microsoft Word 6, Terminal, AMIBIOS

edition 21 1995 November reference 639 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Quantex Windows 95, QBASIC

edition 22 1996 June reference 639 2-column $15 Word Perfect 5.1 clones by Quantex Internet, advanced Windows 95

edition 23 1997 May reference 639 2-column $15 Microsoft Word 7 clones by Quantex Visual BASIC, viruses, advanced Internet

edition 24 1997 December reference 639 2-column $15 Microsoft Word 7 clones by Quantex Pentium 2, AMD K-6, backup-storage devices

To get on the mailing list for a free brochure about the 25^th edition, use the coupon on page 639, or just send me a postcard with your name, address, and the words "send 25^th edition info".

Let’s meet

I hope to meet you someday. If you ever visit the Boston area, drop in, say hello, and browse through my computer library. My heavy workload prevents me from chatting long, but at least we can grin.

If you like, join one of my blitz courses, where we cover everything worth knowing about computers in one intensive weekend. I give the course in many cities and charge just $2.50 per hour.

I can also visit your home town and give a course to you and your friends privately. If you have lots of friends, the cost per person can get quite cheap.

For more information about what I can do for you at little or no charge, phone me at (617) 666-2666 or mail the coupon on the back page.

How to give a course

After you practice using computers and become a computer expert, why not give your own courses? You too can become a guru. Here are some suggestions.

When giving a course, you won’t have enough time to cover every detail, so don’t even try. Tell the students that the details can be found in The Secret Guide to Computers and the manuals that come with their computers.

Here are some of the lines I use to liven up my classes and loosen up my students. Feel free to copy them.

"Hi, I’m Russ. I’m supposed to turn all of you into computer experts by five o’clock. I’ll try."

"In this course, I’m your slave. Anything you want, you get."

"If you’re a boring group, we’ll follow the curriculum. If you’re interesting, you’ll ask lots of questions and we’ll dig into the good stuff."

"Don’t bother taking notes. If God wanted you to be a Xerox machine, He would have made you look that way. So just relax. If you forget what I say, phone me anytime, and I’ll repeat it all back to you."

"There’s no attendance requirement. Leave whenever you wish. If we hit a topic that bores you, that’s a good time to go to the bathroom, get some munchies, or take a walk in the fresh air. Better yet, play with the computers at the back of the room, so you become super-smart. The tutors will get you any software you wish."

When you’re planning to teach a course, phone me for free help with curriculum, dramatics, and tricks of the trade.

Your first course might have some rough edges, because you haven’t had experience yet in giving demonstrations, fielding audience questions, and dramatically varying the pace so that your audience stays awake. So for your first course, play safe: charge as little as possible, so everybody in the audience feels the course was a "good deal" and a "wonderful bargain" and nobody feels "ripped off". For that first course your goal should not be money: instead, your goal should be to gain experience and a good reputation.

No matter how great you think you are, your audience will tire of you eventually. To keep your audience awake, offer variety by including your friends as part of your act.

Good luck. Try hard. You can cast a spell over the audience. Courses change lives.